Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen review

[Jer Alford]

Normally when I go to see a movie, there might be at least one or two moments where I go "Uuuuuugh!", because there's some scene in it that's just so stupid that I can barely believe it. This particular one had me doing it about every two minutes! Despite the stunning visuals, this movie was even more human-heavy that the last one, aside from the fact is has about three dozen more robots in it. I suppose asking too much for something like a plot, when it sooooo much more important for Michael Bay to show us John Tuturro's ass!

T2 happens two years after T1, where the Autobots are have formed their own little Mission Impossible crew with the humans called NEST to hunt down Decepticons still on Earth. Sam is meanwhile going to college and leaving his terminally hot girlfriend behind(retard!). However, he finds a piece of the Allspark(which accidently gives birth to the Kitchencons), and leaves it with Mikaela. But the fragment somehow transferred some ancient Cybertronian data into Sam's noodle, and now he keeps seeing symbols which the Decepticons(now lead by the powerful "The Fallen")think will lead them to their Sun Harvester which can blow up whole stars. Enter their Seducticon(based on one of the old Pretenders)who literally tries to screw the info outta Sam. Bumblebee gets Sam, Mikalea, and Sam's hacker dormmate Leo away, but a resurrected Megatron captures them. Optimus Prime steps in and takes on about a half dozens 'Cons at once, only to end up getting killed by Megatron. Sam and Co., along with the two most annoying robots since Johnny 5, meet up with ex-Sector 7 asshole, agent Simmons. He and a Decepticon turncoat help them decipher the Cyberton symbols in Sam's head, which leads them to an ancient Decepticon, Jetfire, who switches sides and conveninetly teleports them to Egypt. There, he tells them that the Matrix of Leadership is nearby, and can be used to resurrect Optimus. They find the Matrix, and signal the army to bring Optimus' body to them. It also turns out that the Sun Harvester is nearby, and an all out battle between the remaining Autobots and a crapload of unrecognizable Decepticons, including Devastator(who apparently isn't the same one from the last movie!). So they fight, fight, fight....fight, fight, fight, and fight.. Anyway, Optimus turns into Autobot-Jesus thanks to the Matrix, fuses with Jetfire, kills The Fallen, and stops the Sun Harvester, while the Decepticons make like Cobra and retreat. To be continued...

Okay, let's go over what really forked up with this movie! First off, I can't believe that this whole time Megatron was just the Count Dooku of the Decepticons, acting as The Fallen's lickspittle. Soundwave is just some satellite-raping voyeur. They give Blackout a new paint job and call him Grindor. Scorponok appears as the end out of nowhere with no explanation to where he's been. Barricade doesn't show up at all, which is weird since he just drove right out of the last movie. Plus the live-action version of Wheelie was even more annoying than the animated version(which is really saying something!). As for the Autobots, most of them barely get any real screentime. Arcee's gets killed off just because Bay didn't like her(We never even got to see all three of them merge!). Bumbleebee still can't talk without a radio dial, even though we clearly saw him speaking at the end of T1. As for the most teeth-grindingly agonizing 'Bots, Skids and Mudflap. Jesus! It would've been less painful to jam a salad fork into my throat than watching these spokesbots for the KKK ramble on like a bad Yo MTV Raps sketch!

Bay needs to stop breathing the fumes that his own ego gives off and try to see what the fuck everyone keeps telling him about his movies. He also uses waaaay to much of the military in this again. They should've just let him switch with the guys from the G.I. Joe movie. At least they might've made a movie that relies more on explosions than even gradeschool-level storytelling. If you have to see this, just rent it so you can at least fast-forward through the human-heavy parts.